Definitely not what I imagined it to be...

Motherhood, that is...

I knew I wanted to be a mommy since I was at least 7 yrs old. I loved helping to take care of my younger brother. When my older brother left elementary school for middle school, it left me in charge and I was so proud of that!. I started babysitting at 9 yrs old (with mom home) and had my very first official babysitting job when I turned 12 yrs old. Actually, I had TWO of them. I watched 2 little kids, who lived down the street from our house, after school each day and I babysat 2 little ones on the weekends. I LOVED being the caregiver. I couldn't wait to have kids of my own someday (when I was old enough of course!!).

When I imagined what motherhood would be like, I imagined myself and my child singing and dancing together. Reading stories together. Me teaching my baby the alphabet and how to count to 10 in both english and spanish. Going to the park. Weekend trips to the zoo, maybe even on the public transportation bus like me and my grandmother used to do. Going to playgroups. Fieldtrips. Days filled with laughter and smiles.

Jayden and I have done ALL OF THE ABOVE. However, every single one of those things have proven to be difficult for him, and in turn, for me. He doesn't enjoy being sang to. He's finally to a point where I can read a really short story to him, but only on certain days and those days are few and far in between. I did teach my baby the alphabet...he forgot them...he regressed. That definitely wasn't a part of my fantasy. It's hard to go to parks anymore b/c he cannot tolerate the sun, even if it's cold out. The zoo is just a sensory overload nightmare for him. We gave up on playgroups b/c he never fit in and the local playgroup here definitely wasn't as understanding to his behaviors as our beloved playgroup back in MS. We avoid fieldtrips for the same reason we have to avoid the zoo...sensory overload. We DEFINITELY have days filled with laughter and smiles, but we also have our fair share of days filled with sadness, fear, tears and dispair :( That certainly wasn't a part of my childhood fantasy.

Am I sad that it's not exactly the way I expected it to be? Yes.

Would I change anything if I could? Heck yeah! I'd give anything to end my baby's suffering and constant struggle to try and fit in to a world where things just make no sense to him.

Am I envious of the parents who paint this perfect picture of what motherhood in their home is like? Yes, I do. Facebook makes this incredibly hard for me b/c I have several mom friends who brag and boast on how wonderful their kids are. On bad days, this hurts the most.

Am I angry at God for putting us in this situation, after years of battling infertility and praying for a child? No.

Actually, I am grateful. The devil clouds my mind at times and I often catch myself thinking, "Why me Lord?" "Why us?" Then I am reminded that He chose us because we CAN. I wanted a picture perfect motherhood. Jayden needed two strong, devoted parents. God had a plan. It didn't match my fantasy at all. But He knows us better than we know ourselves. Had you asked me, before I became a parent, what I would do if I found out that my child had celiac disease, a chromosome deletion, epilepsy, autistic behaviors, and a host of sensory issues I would have said "There is no way in HELL I could handle that! I just couldn't do it." Heck, you would have lost me at Celiac disease b/c before Jayden, anything that ended with disease was just too much for me to handle.

As I sit here in this hospital tonight, watching my little boy with electrodes protruding from his head while he sits in the hospital bed playing with his action figures, I think of how far I've come. I went from fantasizing about running through fields playing catch, smiling ear to ear, to not even flinching when I tell someone that my child has a disease. Or that he's lethargic and clammy b/c he just had a seizure. Or that he cannot hold a conversation with them just yet b/c he is delayed due to a genetic disorder. It's my life. And I am handling it, even though I would have never believed I could handle something of this extent. Don't be fooled. I have my fair share of bad days. Some days I stay in bed and cry all day. Several nights I don't sleep a wink b/c I'm too busy worrying about my baby's future. Some days I raise my voice more than I'd like to. Many days, I worry too much about what other people think. But in the end, I am succeeding at one thing, and that's being a good mommy to him no matter what.

Sometimes I think to myself "What if motherhood would have been exactly as I'd imagined it to be?", then I realize just how ignorant I would be. I wouldn't understand why any one would want a break from their child. I'd continue to judge those parents in WalMart whose kids pitch fits over the simplest things. I wouldn't have a clue about sensory needs (most kids DO have sensory issues and many parents just overlook them b/c they have no idea). Had motherhood been exactly what I'd imagined it to be, I would take a lot of days with Jayden for granted. Jayden has taught us to celebrate EVERDAY. Not just once a year. We celebrate every single day. We celebrate the smallest of victories like remembering one of those alphabets that he forgot. Or finally being able to CLEARLY say a word that he'd been struggling with. We even celebrate him pointing to a picture and using a sentence to tell what's going on in that picture. At 4 yrs old, people don't understand why we get so excited about things like that but that's their loss. Something they take for granted b/c they have yet to meet a child like our Jayden. What he has taught us is worth more than any perfect picture of motherhood. But there is one thing about my fantasized motherhood that is exactly how I imagined it and maybe even more...just how much he has filled my heart with love. And my UNCONDITIONAL love for him! Thank you, God, for trusting me with one of your most prized angels!!

Feeling Sentimental

We had a busy day today...therapy this morning then storytime at 3:30, which went much better than morning storytime, even the instructor commented ;)I planned to go to the gym with J after storytime, but I started to feel not so great towards the end of storytime, so we came home instead. Every day J grabs his Nemo DVD case and runs through the house screaming "Bubbooooooz Bubbooooooz!!" I guess that's imitating the crazy fish in the dentist office who is addicted to the bubbles in the tank..you know "Bubbles Bubbles Bubbles...MY BUBBLES!!!" LOL! Well he demands to watch that DVD everyday (Sorry ABCs!!). So when we got home he asked to watch his movie so I put it on in his room and he sat down waiting for it to begin. I grabbed his pillow and sprawled out on his floor to watch with him. He looked at me and scooted back to get closer and put his arm on me and smiled as his movie started. He kept looking at me and smiling and then eventually climbed on my chest and sat on me to watch his movie. Then he gave me a big hug and a kiss. I lay there and thought about how surreal this mommy thing still is to me. 2 yrs ago I was still asking God if this would ever happen. Will I be a mom before I leave this Earth? I had no idea and was so very anxious to know. Now I've been a mommy for almost 2 yrs now and still find times when I can't believe that he is mine. I can't believe that I have someone to care for, spoil, bathe, tell bedtime stories, tuck in at night, and watch cartoons with. Someone who calls me Mommy...WOW. I am so blessed :)

His SLP came over this morning for his weekly speech therapy and I told her about his terrible behavior during mealtimes. He is now only eating bread and fries and anything sweet. I tried feeding him mashed potatoes last night and it was an awful experience that included screaming, kicking, crying, and then ended with vomit :( I don't want him to have to go through that anymore so I need the therapists to help us. She is going to see about getting some tips and exercises from the feeding clinic b/c she believes it may be full and the sessions take place in the clinic which is about 30 minutes away from our house. I told her if there is a slot I will drive no matter the distance b/c we need the help. She will be back on Wednesday for another therapy session and hopefully some good news for us on the eating front. Well I'm going to fix me some baked potatoe soup and hop in bed.

Accurate Adoption language

I have had some things on my mind lately b/c as J's first birthday quickly approaches, adoption questions are popping out of the woodworks. Don't get me wrong, I love answering the questions, but lately the terminology they use has started to bother me a bit. Will he know that he's adopted? Does his mom call him? Will you tell him about his mom? And the one that really stung, Does he really feel like your child?" So with that, I would like to share with you, what my online friend Joy shared with me recently...

Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.
Adopted Child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.
--- Rita Laws, PhD


Using accurate adoption language when speaking about adoption is extremely important. Even well meaning family members and friends can inadvertently convey the misconception that adoptive families are less real or permanent, and that a child who was adopted remains somehow different. This can be hurtful and hard to forget by the adoptee or adoptive parents.

Here are some points to remember:

*As with race or gender, the fact that a person was adopted should be mentioned only if it's essential to the story. If it's used, relevance should be made clear. A daughter, niece, granddaughter, or cousin who joined the family through adoption is -- and should be described as -- simply a daughter, niece, granddaughter, or cousin, not as an "adopted daughter", etc. Once an adoption is final, a child is simply a regular member of the family.

*If it is relevant to mention adoption, past tense phrasing is appropriate, such as "Jane was adopted in August 2006" rather than "She is adopted". Adoption is just one of many events in Jane's life, not an immutable personal trait. Jane's family should be referred to simply as father, mother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. The man and woman who shared in Jane's conception can be referred to as the birthparents (NOT "real" or "natural" parents).

*The reasons that people adopt are rarely relevant. To suggest or say that someone "couldn't have a baby of his or her own" is inaccurate. Adoption is a choice, and is not second best. Children who join families through adoption are their parents "own" by law and by love. Families are formed by love, not biology.

Words not only convey facts, they also evoke feelings. The way we talk, and the words we choose, say a lot about what we think and value. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption is a way to build a family just as birth is. Both are important, but one is not more important than the other.

Please choose positive adoption language instead of the negative talk that helps perpetuate the myth that adoption is second best. People who use incorrect terminology should be politely corrected. When we use positive adoption language, we educate others about adoption.

Journal Entry

J did something last night that seriously made my heart melt. I've been replaying it back in my mind since then, so I figured I need to record this info somewhere so that I can revisit it in the future.

Yesterday evening, I left J home with Daddy while I ran out to get us some dinner and to pick up J's prescription. When I got home I walked in the living room and they were both cuddled up on the couch watching TV. J looked up and saw me. He proceeded to push his way off of Daddy's lap. Once he got to his feet, he looked at me and squealed then ran full speed with his arms wide open and the biggest, cutest smile on his face!! He actually ran into my arms!! My heart melted. I love that little boy so much!

Reflections...

I know I posted today already but as I sit and watch Noggin with J, I have some thoughts that I want to blog about...

He knows me as his mommy...This is so surreal to me. Why would it be surreal to me, you ask, since I am indeed his mommy? Well b/c I know where he came from and attachment was always a concern of mine, as it is for many other adoptive parents. Sure I've had him since birth, but there is this talk about mom and baby creating a bond starting from inside the uterus. In the beginning I felt that J and I had to work extra hard at bonding since I didn't carry him for 9 months. I longed for the day that my baby would recognize me as his mommy. J has always been a sweet and friendly baby. He will go to any and everyone one, including strangers in the grocery store. This used to make me wonder, "Does he even know that I'm his mommy, or does he just love EVERYONE the way he loves me?" He never cries for me when I leave him with my mom. He doesn't care if I walk out of the room while he is with his pediatrician. He doesn't care if someone takes him from my arms and walks to another room with him. Deep inside, I've hoped for him to do those things just to make me feel secure. To make me feel that he knows I'm his mother. But this morning J crawled over to me and held his arms up to me. I picked him up and sat him on side of me and he stuck his thumb in his mouth and leaned against my arm and watched his video. He knows I'm his mommy. As we watched his puppet video I thought back on the things that he has done. Things that I failed to realize he's done to show that he knows who I am...When something scares him like a loud noise in the house, he looks at me for reassurance...When he falls and hits his little head, he looks at me to see whether he should laugh or cry...When he's feeling bashful, he sticks his face in my chest to blush...When he's not feeling well he clings to me...When he's hungry, he looks for me...When he choked on his spit up last week while sitting with his Nana, he reached for me with terror in his eyes...A mommy provides reassurance to her child, picks him up when he falls, allows him to be shy, helps him to feel better, and reacts quickly when things go wrong. J knows this. He knows I'm his mommy. He's be learning since day one and so have I. We learned from each other. I learned to be his mother and he has learned to trust me as his mother. This means so much to me.

Sure it would have been so much easier on my ego, if J was not so friendly and only wanted me. But my baby boy has never met a stranger, and this has made it easier for me as a person and as a mommy. If my hubby and I want a night out, we can leave him with a sitter and not worry about him crying for us. And when I return, he is happy to see me...his mommy! I thank God for blessing us with such a good natured, easy going child. I also thank Him for opening my eyes to the obvious. J is my son and I am his mommy. I can't wait for the day that he actually calls me Mommy!!