No I'm not pregnant!! At least I don't think I am ;)
A few days ago, an online friend of mine, who was recently matched with what she thought would be her second adopted child, shared her story. She agreed to let me share it on my blog, so here goes...
My friend is Libby and she successfully adopted a beautiful little girl just about a yr ago. Everything went fine with the adoption and she had/has a wonderful relationship with the baby's birthmother. It's the experience that all waiting parents hope to have when adopting. But the scary truth is that it's not always a pleasant experience. Last week Libby announced with joy that they were matched again and that her daughter would be a big sister...
"She is due on the 17th but they are going to do a planned c-section. I get to be in the room again and be the first to hold the baby etc...We do know the sex but didnt really want to so we arent sharing that. SHe is in Southern Cali but may be coming here for the birth."
They had it all planned out. The birthmom gave her all of the necessary info and even went so far as to say that she may travel to Libby's area, which would then make the adoption go smoother for them and less stressful for Libby's first child. So exciting right?? Well yesterday Libby came to the forum with some heartbreaking and disturbing news...There was no baby. It was all a scam. The "birthmother" not only took lots of money from Libby and her family, but this lady took their hopes and dreams of adding to their family. Everything was a lie. She even went as far as to send an ultrasound picture to Libby's facilitator, but there was no medical records and she does have other children so the ultrasound could have been from a previous pregnancy. It hurts to know that there are people out there who would do this to other families. Adoptive parents are not just heartless souls wanting to buy a baby at the best price!! We are real people with FEELINGS! We have the desire to build a family just as a fertile couple has the desire to build a family. It sickens me to know that someone would do this and not have any concern about the family's feelings. Now Libby is grieving. Grieving the loss of a child that never existed. A child that she was made to believe existed and would be in her arms by next week. Libby used the following statement to describe adoption:
"I think I have found the easiest way to describe adoption...its like forever being in the first trimester...So excited and hopeful, dying to share with everybody but scared it will be taken away. Floating around on cloud nine and strangers have no idea why because I am not showing..."
EXACTLY!! This is exactly how I felt when we were matched with J. We only told my parents and my in laws. No one else knew and sense J was born right around the holidays, we were surrounding by family as we grasped our cells and rushed to answer them at the very first ring, waiting for THE CALL. But at the same time, we knew it could have been taken away in the blink of an eye. So there we sat, beaming...floating on cloud 9, but keeping it all to ourselves b/c we knew it wasn't for certain. So in a way, my friend Libby is feeling the pain of a lost child. Her heart is broken. I am praying for her and ask all of my blog readers to say an extra prayer for her and her family tonight.
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Sensory Integration Dysfunction
Also known as sensory integration disorder, sensory processing disorder, sensory intergrative dysfunction, sensory modulation disorder, or even dysfunction of sensory integration. I'll just call it SI dysfunction. This is what J is dealing with. Well I should say what the Johnson family is dealing with. Today was his first session with the speech-language therapist and I completed a sensory profile and was not surprised when his score showed that he was indeed experiencing some sensory issues, mainly proprioceptive and emotional. When I looked over the list I almost laughed b/c most (if not all) of the things listed were honestly normal toddler behavior, but the list also asked about developmental milestones, emotional reactions, and how everyday life is affected. J exhibits several sensory seeking behaviors such as stomping feet when walking, jumps or hops instead of walking, excessive banging of objects, loves rough play, frequently falls on floor intentionally, chews on shirts sleeves, and the main one that we've been dealing with and worried about...head banging and intentionally hurting himself. He also shows several emotional issues related to the dysfunction such as getting easily frustrated, often impulsive, functions best in small groups or individually, variable and quickly changing moods, prefers to play on the outside of a group just observing, and has difficulty making needs known amongst other things. It all goes hand in hand with the fact that J is not speaking, not eating, and does not cope well at all in loud and crowded places. It all makes sense to me now. We have more paperwork to fill out and hopefully soon an OT will be added to Jayden's weekly therapy sessions. We've decided to let his speech therapy take the place of his Monday morning storytime since he was not enjoying the crowded room much, and we may thr to go for the afternoon storytime to see if it's less crowded.
Now this all brings me back to something that has always been in the back of my mind since we filled out our intial adoption paperwork back in July 2006. We filled out an application for domestic infant adoption, which is simply adoption of an infant within the states. On the application was a section about special needs. The section asked if we would be willing to adopt a child with special needs and if so, to what degree would we accept. Alot went through our minds as we thought about that section. First of all, as first time parents, honestly, to what degree could we handle a special needs child? Are there any cases that we could handle more than others? We read and read and in the end we decided that as first time parents, we'd rather not adopt a special needs child. It's best to be honest with yourself no matter how bad you want to be parents, and we had been trying for over 2 yrs at that point. However, even after we turned in our application, that particular section stuck in my mind. Not all disabilities will present themselves at birth. Of course there are some that are obvious at birth such as downs syndrome, but there are several that won't present themselves at birth and will be found later on in life and can severely disable a child. I've always wondered, would an adoptive parent be devastated if they did not actually get the "healthy" or "normal" child they'd asked for? Would they in turn despise the child for not being perfect or "exactly what I'd hoped for"? Seriously, I've thought these things even before J was placed with us. Now I know the answer... J is not disabled by any means, but now we know that he does indeed have special needs and that we are being faced with an obstacle that we never expected. One that we were not prepared for. So what do we do?? I know what we do, we will love him b/c he is our son! We will continue to be his advocate and get him the help he needs to live a well rounded life and to be happy. We will work with the therapists to get him ready for school with as little stress as possible. We will follow his cues and make whatever sacrifices are necessary to keep him happy. We will do all of this b/c he is our son and we love him, no matter what special needs he has. So I can certainly understand the reasoning for that particular section on the adoption application, but we should always remember that God is in control and God has the PERFECT child for us and He knows what He is doing when He makes a family.
So right now, I'm reading the book "Raising the Sensory Smart Child" by Lindsey Biel and Nancy Peske. Nancy is the mother of a child with SI dysfunction and Lindsey is the OT that helped them to get through it. I'm only in chapter 2, but it has already helped me to better understand the dysfunction and to understand why J reacts to certain things the way that he does. I'm learning ways to help him to cope and I'm also finding that I have more patience with him, although I know I can always use 10 times more. It's certainly rough for us and although sometimes I just need a break from him, I couldn't imagine my life without him. Your prayers are welcome :)
Tonight is kid's night out at the park so we are going to dress J up in his Teddy Bear costume and let him have some safe fun. We'll only stay as long as he can tolerate it and then we'll head home. Here's his costume... I may even enter him in the costume contest!
Now this all brings me back to something that has always been in the back of my mind since we filled out our intial adoption paperwork back in July 2006. We filled out an application for domestic infant adoption, which is simply adoption of an infant within the states. On the application was a section about special needs. The section asked if we would be willing to adopt a child with special needs and if so, to what degree would we accept. Alot went through our minds as we thought about that section. First of all, as first time parents, honestly, to what degree could we handle a special needs child? Are there any cases that we could handle more than others? We read and read and in the end we decided that as first time parents, we'd rather not adopt a special needs child. It's best to be honest with yourself no matter how bad you want to be parents, and we had been trying for over 2 yrs at that point. However, even after we turned in our application, that particular section stuck in my mind. Not all disabilities will present themselves at birth. Of course there are some that are obvious at birth such as downs syndrome, but there are several that won't present themselves at birth and will be found later on in life and can severely disable a child. I've always wondered, would an adoptive parent be devastated if they did not actually get the "healthy" or "normal" child they'd asked for? Would they in turn despise the child for not being perfect or "exactly what I'd hoped for"? Seriously, I've thought these things even before J was placed with us. Now I know the answer... J is not disabled by any means, but now we know that he does indeed have special needs and that we are being faced with an obstacle that we never expected. One that we were not prepared for. So what do we do?? I know what we do, we will love him b/c he is our son! We will continue to be his advocate and get him the help he needs to live a well rounded life and to be happy. We will work with the therapists to get him ready for school with as little stress as possible. We will follow his cues and make whatever sacrifices are necessary to keep him happy. We will do all of this b/c he is our son and we love him, no matter what special needs he has. So I can certainly understand the reasoning for that particular section on the adoption application, but we should always remember that God is in control and God has the PERFECT child for us and He knows what He is doing when He makes a family.
So right now, I'm reading the book "Raising the Sensory Smart Child" by Lindsey Biel and Nancy Peske. Nancy is the mother of a child with SI dysfunction and Lindsey is the OT that helped them to get through it. I'm only in chapter 2, but it has already helped me to better understand the dysfunction and to understand why J reacts to certain things the way that he does. I'm learning ways to help him to cope and I'm also finding that I have more patience with him, although I know I can always use 10 times more. It's certainly rough for us and although sometimes I just need a break from him, I couldn't imagine my life without him. Your prayers are welcome :)
Tonight is kid's night out at the park so we are going to dress J up in his Teddy Bear costume and let him have some safe fun. We'll only stay as long as he can tolerate it and then we'll head home. Here's his costume... I may even enter him in the costume contest!
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Accurate Adoption language
I have had some things on my mind lately b/c as J's first birthday quickly approaches, adoption questions are popping out of the woodworks. Don't get me wrong, I love answering the questions, but lately the terminology they use has started to bother me a bit. Will he know that he's adopted? Does his mom call him? Will you tell him about his mom? And the one that really stung, Does he really feel like your child?" So with that, I would like to share with you, what my online friend Joy shared with me recently...
Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.
Adopted Child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.
--- Rita Laws, PhD
Using accurate adoption language when speaking about adoption is extremely important. Even well meaning family members and friends can inadvertently convey the misconception that adoptive families are less real or permanent, and that a child who was adopted remains somehow different. This can be hurtful and hard to forget by the adoptee or adoptive parents.
Here are some points to remember:
*As with race or gender, the fact that a person was adopted should be mentioned only if it's essential to the story. If it's used, relevance should be made clear. A daughter, niece, granddaughter, or cousin who joined the family through adoption is -- and should be described as -- simply a daughter, niece, granddaughter, or cousin, not as an "adopted daughter", etc. Once an adoption is final, a child is simply a regular member of the family.
*If it is relevant to mention adoption, past tense phrasing is appropriate, such as "Jane was adopted in August 2006" rather than "She is adopted". Adoption is just one of many events in Jane's life, not an immutable personal trait. Jane's family should be referred to simply as father, mother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. The man and woman who shared in Jane's conception can be referred to as the birthparents (NOT "real" or "natural" parents).
*The reasons that people adopt are rarely relevant. To suggest or say that someone "couldn't have a baby of his or her own" is inaccurate. Adoption is a choice, and is not second best. Children who join families through adoption are their parents "own" by law and by love. Families are formed by love, not biology.
Words not only convey facts, they also evoke feelings. The way we talk, and the words we choose, say a lot about what we think and value. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption is a way to build a family just as birth is. Both are important, but one is not more important than the other.
Please choose positive adoption language instead of the negative talk that helps perpetuate the myth that adoption is second best. People who use incorrect terminology should be politely corrected. When we use positive adoption language, we educate others about adoption.
Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.
Adopted Child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.
--- Rita Laws, PhD
Using accurate adoption language when speaking about adoption is extremely important. Even well meaning family members and friends can inadvertently convey the misconception that adoptive families are less real or permanent, and that a child who was adopted remains somehow different. This can be hurtful and hard to forget by the adoptee or adoptive parents.
Here are some points to remember:
*As with race or gender, the fact that a person was adopted should be mentioned only if it's essential to the story. If it's used, relevance should be made clear. A daughter, niece, granddaughter, or cousin who joined the family through adoption is -- and should be described as -- simply a daughter, niece, granddaughter, or cousin, not as an "adopted daughter", etc. Once an adoption is final, a child is simply a regular member of the family.
*If it is relevant to mention adoption, past tense phrasing is appropriate, such as "Jane was adopted in August 2006" rather than "She is adopted". Adoption is just one of many events in Jane's life, not an immutable personal trait. Jane's family should be referred to simply as father, mother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. The man and woman who shared in Jane's conception can be referred to as the birthparents (NOT "real" or "natural" parents).
*The reasons that people adopt are rarely relevant. To suggest or say that someone "couldn't have a baby of his or her own" is inaccurate. Adoption is a choice, and is not second best. Children who join families through adoption are their parents "own" by law and by love. Families are formed by love, not biology.
Words not only convey facts, they also evoke feelings. The way we talk, and the words we choose, say a lot about what we think and value. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption is a way to build a family just as birth is. Both are important, but one is not more important than the other.
Please choose positive adoption language instead of the negative talk that helps perpetuate the myth that adoption is second best. People who use incorrect terminology should be politely corrected. When we use positive adoption language, we educate others about adoption.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
One year ago today....
We got the call that we were chosen by J's birthmom to parent her unborn child!
Our caseworker told me 2 weeks before that we were being shown to a 16 yr old rape victim due in November. It was hard for me to get excited b/c of our past failed matches. I felt that this one would end up the same way, with us still waiting. Well I was on my way home from work and just before I turned into my subdivision I remembered we needed dog food. So I kept driving and headed for PetSmart, when my cellphone rang. I remember exactly where I was on the road. I saw that it was the number from the agency and got a little excited! I answered and our caseworker was so excited! She said, "Hi! Are you off from work yet?!" I told her I was and she sayed that she stayed at work later today b/c she wanted to be the one to tell us the "great news"! Great news?!?! She said " Well you recall that we were showing your profile to a 16 yr old rape victim? Well she and her mom chose you to parent the baby!!" My first response was, "Well should we really get excited about this? I would hate to get our hopes up and then get my heart broken again." She told me that she understood how I felt, but that this young lady and her mom truly wants to place the baby.She told me that the baby boy was due on Nov 29 and that we should plan to stay close to home for Thanksgiving and that we will have a wonderful Christmas Gift! We talked for about 20 minutes in the parking lot of PetSmart. The last few minutes I stood outside of Petsmart absorbing what had just happened. I was shaking as I walked in and as I paid for the dog food I had tears in my eyes! I'm sure people thought I was crazy!! I wanted to call and scream out to everyone that I was going to be a mommy!! FINALLY!!! But I had to wait until I got in my car so no one would call the cops on me!! Well I called someone to tell them the good news....My MOM!!! Yes I called my mom first! LOL!! We both screamed and cried! I asked her not to tell family yet until we were sure it would work out. Then I called Daddy, but after two failed matches and a scam, Daddy couldn't get excited. I totally understood. It didn't start to feel real until November. The time was drawing near and we never got a call that the birthmom changed her mind. We also started on his nursery and my mom purchased a crib for him. Of course I couldn't resist and I started buying baby clothes and a travel system!! Pretty soon the room was just waiting for a sweet baby to make it complete. Some days it was hard for me to look at it, but other days it brightened my day. Nov 29 came and went...We started to lose hope...Then on Dec 4, I was on my way to the bookstore when my cell phone rang. As faith may have it, I was on the same spot on the road when I got the call about the match!! Our caseworker said "Are you ready to come and get your son?" And the rest, as they say, is history :D
So one year ago today, we got the call that would change our lives forever!!
Our caseworker told me 2 weeks before that we were being shown to a 16 yr old rape victim due in November. It was hard for me to get excited b/c of our past failed matches. I felt that this one would end up the same way, with us still waiting. Well I was on my way home from work and just before I turned into my subdivision I remembered we needed dog food. So I kept driving and headed for PetSmart, when my cellphone rang. I remember exactly where I was on the road. I saw that it was the number from the agency and got a little excited! I answered and our caseworker was so excited! She said, "Hi! Are you off from work yet?!" I told her I was and she sayed that she stayed at work later today b/c she wanted to be the one to tell us the "great news"! Great news?!?! She said " Well you recall that we were showing your profile to a 16 yr old rape victim? Well she and her mom chose you to parent the baby!!" My first response was, "Well should we really get excited about this? I would hate to get our hopes up and then get my heart broken again." She told me that she understood how I felt, but that this young lady and her mom truly wants to place the baby.She told me that the baby boy was due on Nov 29 and that we should plan to stay close to home for Thanksgiving and that we will have a wonderful Christmas Gift! We talked for about 20 minutes in the parking lot of PetSmart. The last few minutes I stood outside of Petsmart absorbing what had just happened. I was shaking as I walked in and as I paid for the dog food I had tears in my eyes! I'm sure people thought I was crazy!! I wanted to call and scream out to everyone that I was going to be a mommy!! FINALLY!!! But I had to wait until I got in my car so no one would call the cops on me!! Well I called someone to tell them the good news....My MOM!!! Yes I called my mom first! LOL!! We both screamed and cried! I asked her not to tell family yet until we were sure it would work out. Then I called Daddy, but after two failed matches and a scam, Daddy couldn't get excited. I totally understood. It didn't start to feel real until November. The time was drawing near and we never got a call that the birthmom changed her mind. We also started on his nursery and my mom purchased a crib for him. Of course I couldn't resist and I started buying baby clothes and a travel system!! Pretty soon the room was just waiting for a sweet baby to make it complete. Some days it was hard for me to look at it, but other days it brightened my day. Nov 29 came and went...We started to lose hope...Then on Dec 4, I was on my way to the bookstore when my cell phone rang. As faith may have it, I was on the same spot on the road when I got the call about the match!! Our caseworker said "Are you ready to come and get your son?" And the rest, as they say, is history :D
So one year ago today, we got the call that would change our lives forever!!
Friday, August 17, 2007
Reflections...
I know I posted today already but as I sit and watch Noggin with J, I have some thoughts that I want to blog about...
He knows me as his mommy...This is so surreal to me. Why would it be surreal to me, you ask, since I am indeed his mommy? Well b/c I know where he came from and attachment was always a concern of mine, as it is for many other adoptive parents. Sure I've had him since birth, but there is this talk about mom and baby creating a bond starting from inside the uterus. In the beginning I felt that J and I had to work extra hard at bonding since I didn't carry him for 9 months. I longed for the day that my baby would recognize me as his mommy. J has always been a sweet and friendly baby. He will go to any and everyone one, including strangers in the grocery store. This used to make me wonder, "Does he even know that I'm his mommy, or does he just love EVERYONE the way he loves me?" He never cries for me when I leave him with my mom. He doesn't care if I walk out of the room while he is with his pediatrician. He doesn't care if someone takes him from my arms and walks to another room with him. Deep inside, I've hoped for him to do those things just to make me feel secure. To make me feel that he knows I'm his mother. But this morning J crawled over to me and held his arms up to me. I picked him up and sat him on side of me and he stuck his thumb in his mouth and leaned against my arm and watched his video. He knows I'm his mommy. As we watched his puppet video I thought back on the things that he has done. Things that I failed to realize he's done to show that he knows who I am...When something scares him like a loud noise in the house, he looks at me for reassurance...When he falls and hits his little head, he looks at me to see whether he should laugh or cry...When he's feeling bashful, he sticks his face in my chest to blush...When he's not feeling well he clings to me...When he's hungry, he looks for me...When he choked on his spit up last week while sitting with his Nana, he reached for me with terror in his eyes...A mommy provides reassurance to her child, picks him up when he falls, allows him to be shy, helps him to feel better, and reacts quickly when things go wrong. J knows this. He knows I'm his mommy. He's be learning since day one and so have I. We learned from each other. I learned to be his mother and he has learned to trust me as his mother. This means so much to me.
Sure it would have been so much easier on my ego, if J was not so friendly and only wanted me. But my baby boy has never met a stranger, and this has made it easier for me as a person and as a mommy. If my hubby and I want a night out, we can leave him with a sitter and not worry about him crying for us. And when I return, he is happy to see me...his mommy! I thank God for blessing us with such a good natured, easy going child. I also thank Him for opening my eyes to the obvious. J is my son and I am his mommy. I can't wait for the day that he actually calls me Mommy!!
He knows me as his mommy...This is so surreal to me. Why would it be surreal to me, you ask, since I am indeed his mommy? Well b/c I know where he came from and attachment was always a concern of mine, as it is for many other adoptive parents. Sure I've had him since birth, but there is this talk about mom and baby creating a bond starting from inside the uterus. In the beginning I felt that J and I had to work extra hard at bonding since I didn't carry him for 9 months. I longed for the day that my baby would recognize me as his mommy. J has always been a sweet and friendly baby. He will go to any and everyone one, including strangers in the grocery store. This used to make me wonder, "Does he even know that I'm his mommy, or does he just love EVERYONE the way he loves me?" He never cries for me when I leave him with my mom. He doesn't care if I walk out of the room while he is with his pediatrician. He doesn't care if someone takes him from my arms and walks to another room with him. Deep inside, I've hoped for him to do those things just to make me feel secure. To make me feel that he knows I'm his mother. But this morning J crawled over to me and held his arms up to me. I picked him up and sat him on side of me and he stuck his thumb in his mouth and leaned against my arm and watched his video. He knows I'm his mommy. As we watched his puppet video I thought back on the things that he has done. Things that I failed to realize he's done to show that he knows who I am...When something scares him like a loud noise in the house, he looks at me for reassurance...When he falls and hits his little head, he looks at me to see whether he should laugh or cry...When he's feeling bashful, he sticks his face in my chest to blush...When he's not feeling well he clings to me...When he's hungry, he looks for me...When he choked on his spit up last week while sitting with his Nana, he reached for me with terror in his eyes...A mommy provides reassurance to her child, picks him up when he falls, allows him to be shy, helps him to feel better, and reacts quickly when things go wrong. J knows this. He knows I'm his mommy. He's be learning since day one and so have I. We learned from each other. I learned to be his mother and he has learned to trust me as his mother. This means so much to me.
Sure it would have been so much easier on my ego, if J was not so friendly and only wanted me. But my baby boy has never met a stranger, and this has made it easier for me as a person and as a mommy. If my hubby and I want a night out, we can leave him with a sitter and not worry about him crying for us. And when I return, he is happy to see me...his mommy! I thank God for blessing us with such a good natured, easy going child. I also thank Him for opening my eyes to the obvious. J is my son and I am his mommy. I can't wait for the day that he actually calls me Mommy!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
