Definitely not what I imagined it to be...

Motherhood, that is...

I knew I wanted to be a mommy since I was at least 7 yrs old. I loved helping to take care of my younger brother. When my older brother left elementary school for middle school, it left me in charge and I was so proud of that!. I started babysitting at 9 yrs old (with mom home) and had my very first official babysitting job when I turned 12 yrs old. Actually, I had TWO of them. I watched 2 little kids, who lived down the street from our house, after school each day and I babysat 2 little ones on the weekends. I LOVED being the caregiver. I couldn't wait to have kids of my own someday (when I was old enough of course!!).

When I imagined what motherhood would be like, I imagined myself and my child singing and dancing together. Reading stories together. Me teaching my baby the alphabet and how to count to 10 in both english and spanish. Going to the park. Weekend trips to the zoo, maybe even on the public transportation bus like me and my grandmother used to do. Going to playgroups. Fieldtrips. Days filled with laughter and smiles.

Jayden and I have done ALL OF THE ABOVE. However, every single one of those things have proven to be difficult for him, and in turn, for me. He doesn't enjoy being sang to. He's finally to a point where I can read a really short story to him, but only on certain days and those days are few and far in between. I did teach my baby the alphabet...he forgot them...he regressed. That definitely wasn't a part of my fantasy. It's hard to go to parks anymore b/c he cannot tolerate the sun, even if it's cold out. The zoo is just a sensory overload nightmare for him. We gave up on playgroups b/c he never fit in and the local playgroup here definitely wasn't as understanding to his behaviors as our beloved playgroup back in MS. We avoid fieldtrips for the same reason we have to avoid the zoo...sensory overload. We DEFINITELY have days filled with laughter and smiles, but we also have our fair share of days filled with sadness, fear, tears and dispair :( That certainly wasn't a part of my childhood fantasy.

Am I sad that it's not exactly the way I expected it to be? Yes.

Would I change anything if I could? Heck yeah! I'd give anything to end my baby's suffering and constant struggle to try and fit in to a world where things just make no sense to him.

Am I envious of the parents who paint this perfect picture of what motherhood in their home is like? Yes, I do. Facebook makes this incredibly hard for me b/c I have several mom friends who brag and boast on how wonderful their kids are. On bad days, this hurts the most.

Am I angry at God for putting us in this situation, after years of battling infertility and praying for a child? No.

Actually, I am grateful. The devil clouds my mind at times and I often catch myself thinking, "Why me Lord?" "Why us?" Then I am reminded that He chose us because we CAN. I wanted a picture perfect motherhood. Jayden needed two strong, devoted parents. God had a plan. It didn't match my fantasy at all. But He knows us better than we know ourselves. Had you asked me, before I became a parent, what I would do if I found out that my child had celiac disease, a chromosome deletion, epilepsy, autistic behaviors, and a host of sensory issues I would have said "There is no way in HELL I could handle that! I just couldn't do it." Heck, you would have lost me at Celiac disease b/c before Jayden, anything that ended with disease was just too much for me to handle.

As I sit here in this hospital tonight, watching my little boy with electrodes protruding from his head while he sits in the hospital bed playing with his action figures, I think of how far I've come. I went from fantasizing about running through fields playing catch, smiling ear to ear, to not even flinching when I tell someone that my child has a disease. Or that he's lethargic and clammy b/c he just had a seizure. Or that he cannot hold a conversation with them just yet b/c he is delayed due to a genetic disorder. It's my life. And I am handling it, even though I would have never believed I could handle something of this extent. Don't be fooled. I have my fair share of bad days. Some days I stay in bed and cry all day. Several nights I don't sleep a wink b/c I'm too busy worrying about my baby's future. Some days I raise my voice more than I'd like to. Many days, I worry too much about what other people think. But in the end, I am succeeding at one thing, and that's being a good mommy to him no matter what.

Sometimes I think to myself "What if motherhood would have been exactly as I'd imagined it to be?", then I realize just how ignorant I would be. I wouldn't understand why any one would want a break from their child. I'd continue to judge those parents in WalMart whose kids pitch fits over the simplest things. I wouldn't have a clue about sensory needs (most kids DO have sensory issues and many parents just overlook them b/c they have no idea). Had motherhood been exactly what I'd imagined it to be, I would take a lot of days with Jayden for granted. Jayden has taught us to celebrate EVERDAY. Not just once a year. We celebrate every single day. We celebrate the smallest of victories like remembering one of those alphabets that he forgot. Or finally being able to CLEARLY say a word that he'd been struggling with. We even celebrate him pointing to a picture and using a sentence to tell what's going on in that picture. At 4 yrs old, people don't understand why we get so excited about things like that but that's their loss. Something they take for granted b/c they have yet to meet a child like our Jayden. What he has taught us is worth more than any perfect picture of motherhood. But there is one thing about my fantasized motherhood that is exactly how I imagined it and maybe even more...just how much he has filled my heart with love. And my UNCONDITIONAL love for him! Thank you, God, for trusting me with one of your most prized angels!!

Pain in the neck!!

So sorry that I haven't been updating the blog as well lately! The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. Between my photography and my new home business picking up, and Drs appts for both myself and Jayden, it has been crazy!! Despite how busy our schedule has been, I'm so glad I took the time out to see the Dr and stopped ignoring my pains.

First off, I was sent to an ENT a few months ago for chronic sinus infections and migraines. I wasn't surprised when the Dr gasped at the size of my sinuses and couldn't understand how I could actually breathe through my nose without much effort. Honestly, they've been like that since I was very young and I truly thought it was normal. I guess I adjusted to it. Anyway, he started me on a non steroidal nasal spray for 6 weeks. After 6 weeks, I was scheduled to go back for a CT scan of my sinuses to see if the spray helped the inflammation. Well, the CT scan showed no change in the inflammation and also a small cyst inside on of my sinus cavities. OUCH. So I have to have sinus surgery on July 6. The ENT told me that it's only a week recovery, with the first 2 days being the worse b/c my nose will be completely plugged. That's my worse fear, not being able to breathe out of my nose. My second worse fear is being head butted in the nose by my son during recovery!

So, while that news was certainly an inconvenience, I knew it could have been worse. And, yeah, it did get worse. Back in April, I went to my GP for lower back pain that I'd been having for months. I ignored it for so long b/c I thought I'd pulled a muscle, but then I noticed that it wasn't hurting everyday and when it did hurt, it came on all of a sudden and I couldn't find any relief. The Dr sent me for X rays and when those came back with abnormalities, she sent me for an MRI of my entire spine. The results surprised me. My lower back is just fine, with the exception of the scoliosis I've had since birth, but my neck is what's showing signs of spinal stenosis (narrowing of the spine). My understanding (from my GP's explanation) was that the narrowing of my cervical spine was causing a disc to bulge and press on my nerves, causing the pain in my lower back. I did find it odd that there was NO pain at all in my neck. My Dr sent me to a physical medicine Dr to discuss treatment options and pain management. Well that appt was this past Friday, and I was NOT prepared for what I was about to be told. First, she did a full range of motion assessment on me and she was surprised that I had no weakness in any limbs and no pain at all in my neck. Only in my lower back. She had me to stand up and she looked at my back and immediately saw the scoliosis which she said is pretty moderate and the curve in my spine is what's causing my lower back pain b/c my muscles on one side are very tight. She wants to me to go to physical therapy and to take a muscle relaxer every night for 2 weeks, to see if it helps to loosen up my muscles and stop some of the pain I've been in.

Ok, simple enough, and not a shocker b/c I've been knowing about my scoliosis. But then the Dr says "However, that's not why you are here." HUH?! WHAT?? She said "Your MRI results are pretty bad and rare for someone your age." At this point I'm just like, Ok... Then she said, "Based on your MRI results, I need to be referring you to a surgeon and when a surgeon sees the results he will recommend surgery." Speechless. Then she says, "But you are not having ANY symptoms at all. All of the pain you are having is due to your scoliosis. If you hadn't complained of that pain, we wouldn't have found the problems in your neck." Me, sitting there nodding in agreement and astonishment. Then she says, "Well, at your age, I don't want to send you to a surgeon if you aren't experiencing any symptoms b/c it is a very risky surgery on the spine and I've had colleagues who had the surgery and were worse off after having it done. Right now, all of your limbs are strong, your reflexes are fine, your muscle tone is great, so I don't want to risk messing any of that up." I agreed! She continued, "However, you need to be aware that your cervical spine is VERY narrow and fragile. A collision or a bad fall could cause your neck to break and you can become paralyzed." At that point I was just staring at her... She gave me all of the symptoms to be aware of and told me as soon as I started to feel any of these symptoms, I need to give her a call and she will call in the referral to the surgeon.

Wow. I seriously think I'm still in shock and denial about this. A week away from turning 30 and I find out that my spine is very fragile. My mom has already called me to tell me a laundry list of things that she doesn't want me to do. One of the things included no more roller coasters!! :( And she also suggested I drive with a neck brace on. HA! Yeah that will happen. I've decided to just give it to God b/c those pictures may show that my neck is narrow and fragile, but I have no symptoms proving that point. I bet my neck is stronger than the Drs think it is. For now, I've added some Calcium and Vitamin D supplements to my diet and life will go on. I wonder what types of household chores I can get out of b/c of this....