A nightmare

My cousin was killed this weekend. Murdered. I cannot believe I'm typing that word out on my blog about someone I was so close to... I'm still hoping that it's not true. That it's all just a nightmare.

Sunday, Mother's Day, we were helping my parents to get ready for the big Mother's Day BBQ that they have in their backyard each year. They had already purchased loads of food, decorations, gifts, and Daddy was in and out of the house setting up tables and tents. Mom was gone to get some last minute decorations for my older brother b/c Sunday was alo his birthday and she was surprising him with a cake and a table decorated for his bday. I had just finished pre prepping foods for the BBQ and decided to take a shower and start getting dressed. I was walking out of the bedroom when I heard my dad in the garage and it sounded like he was laughing or crying...of course I prayed he was laughing, but in my heart I knew he wasn't. I looked through the garage door and he had the phone to his ear, hand over his head, and had his head down crying "NO NO NO, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME THAT!! NO!" OMG, That is forever welded into my brain. I immediately thought it was my younger brother b/c he has a record of being a trouble maker and we've all been afraid that we would get a call like that about him, as sad as that sounds. But it's true. I go to calm my dad down and I say "Daddy what's wrong, what's wrong?" and he says "They found Nicholas dead this morning." I immediately went numb and I'm wondering if I was in shock. I couldn't cry, but I also couldn't catch my breath. I just kept saying to myself "OH MY GOD WHY?!?!" I left the garage and was just lost. Daddy was still talking to my aunt, his sister, Nicholas' mother. I went into the living room and whispered in my husband's ear the news and then went straight to the bathroom to take my shower. Then I cried my eyes out and just started to pray. At that moment, I hadn't asked Daddy for details. I just knew that someone killed him, so I assumed he was shot and left for dead. I finished my shower and my Dad was in the garage crying his heart out. I hugged him and cried with him and I have never seen my Dad so angry. He said words I'd never heard him say before in my life. Then he told me "They found him in the trunk of a burned car." I am still speechless over this. More tears. Disbelief. This cannot be true. Maybe it's not him. But I know in the back of my head that my cousin is easily identified due to his physical deformities. He was born missing some fingers and only half of his right leg so he wore a prosthesis. There was no way that they could make a mistake in identifying him. My dad decides not to call my mom with the news but to wait until she got home from running errands, but he wanted to call my older brother. I told him that I didn't think that would be the best idea. My brother is very emotinal and has a bad temper and he lives in New Orleans (not far from where my cousin was found) and there was no telling what he would do out of anger. Instead, I called his fiance and told her, and asked her not to tell him, but that I needed her to get his guns, get his keys, and turn off his cell phone (he worked the night before so he was asleep). A few minutes later, my mom came home. She seemed so happy and upbeat about the BBQ. Maybe it seemed this way in my eyes b/c I knew that we were about to ruin her day with the news. Daddy walked in the living room and looked at me to come and help him to break the news. Momma went back outside for more bags so we followed her and helped and came back in. She immediately walked over to the table for my brother and was showing us what she got him. I fought back tears. Daddy said "Pam, I have some bad news to tell you." Momma said "NO NO NO NO NO, I don't want to hear any bad news!" Her face immediately went from being happy and full of joy, to extreme fear. I started crying. She screamed, "Is it Lil Eddie (my brother)?!?!" My dad and I said "No, he's okay." Then Daddy told her it is Nicholas and he was killed. My mom lost it. She started screaming and beating my dad, as if he had just done the crime. It was her anger at the news. I held her arm and we both tried taking to her. She screamed and cried on the kitchen floor for about 10 minutes. Daddy was rubbing her back and I was beside her trying to control my tears. Then my younger brother walked into the house. It's weird b/c at that moment it was a relief to see him. He hugged me and I cried in his arms. I wish I could say the rest of the day went better but that scene was replayed several times again that day. They decided to cancel the BBQ and just go over to my aunt's house. I suggested that they pack up the meat and the grill and bring the BBQ to her house b/c I knew our entire family would be there and it would help to not have everyone sitting around crying, a little bit of a distraction even if only for a few hours. My husband and I left to go to my brother's house to give him the news and get him to go straight to my aunt's house. He had already gotten up and was dressed and getting suspicious. His fiance just went ahead and called two of his good friends to come over b/c she knew that he was going to turn on his phone and find out. We pulled up right after his friends and I barely made it in the front door when I heard him scream out "NO!!!" and tun up the steps. I pleaded to him to come downstairs and please calm down. He broke down just as bad as my mom did. It was so tough for me. As he cried I prayed in his ear. I begged him to let God lead the detectives to my cousin's killers and that he stay out of it. He asked me "Where did they find him? What did they do to him?" I said "Jason, you don't want to know." He said "No tell me." I told him that he was locked in the trunk of a car and the car was set on fire. Only later would we found out that it was his sister's car that he was killed in. My brother broke down again. I prayed some more for him and he wiped his face and went to the computer to read the news on the murder. Then he got up and asked his friends to take him to the scene. I told him to stop and look at me and I told him "Jason, revenge is not the solution. You cannot wipe them all off of the face of this earth. If you seek revenge, this crime will never end. Please leave it alone and let God and the detectives do their jobs." He said okay. We left and went to my aunts house. Tears were shed, but there were also some smiles shared. We stayed as late as we could to support the family and as we were leaving, my aunt walked us tothe truck and said "Thank you for coming and bringing the bbq here. It definetly helped to take my mind off things...but then it all comes back." and she satrted to tear up. My heart is so heavy. I haven't been able to sleep much at all since then. How could anyone do such a mean thing to a person? It's so unbelieveable and painful. I know we will get through this but I just don't know how and when...

RIP Nicholas. I miss you so much.