Yesterday

A year of no smoking for my husband. Words can't express how proud I am of him. To be able to pull away from years of an addiction on his own, cold turkey. That takes some amazing strength. It shows me that his family is important to him. I know he wants to be at his best so that he can play sports with J and be here, in great health, to see J (and any other kids we might have) graduate from college. Such a wonderful feat deserved a celebration. I know that J and restaurants DO NOT get along. Something about the lights, the noise, the people, and of course sitting still, just drives him crazy. There are, however, rare occassions that he does behave and I always make sure to take note of where we were, what was different, and how I can make that happen again if we decide to go out again. I still was wondering if I should take the risk and go out to eat, or just order take out and surprise my husband with that. Well, J seemed to be having a pretty good day so far, so we headed to party city, got my husband some balloons, and dropped them off at PF Changs where I made us reservations for 6:30, early enough for J to just be up from a nap and hoepfully in a good mood. I also spoked to the hostess and requested a table in the back of the restaurant away from too much traffic b/c I know that makes J nervous. She said not a problem. J cried the ENTIRE 20 minute ride home from dropping of the balloons. He was crying and asking for something. He was using the same word everytime I aksed him what he wanted, only it wasn't English and I cannot not translate well while driving! He knows a sign for just about everything he could ever ask for, but he was using his sign language either. I knew right then and there that I should probably just go get the balloons and cancel the reservations. I came home and put J down for his nap and then just prayed for a good night with my family. I wish I could say it was a good night...

We got to the restaurant and the hostess could not have given us a better table. We were in the back of the restaurant, in the corner and she placed J's highchair against a wall and blocked off the booth behind us. So there was no one sitting next to him but me and a wall. PERFECT. Or so I thought. My husband went to the restroom and the hostess was off to grab his balloons to surprise him. Well immediately J got irritable. He pushed the menus off the table, tried to throw the candle, and then was frantically grabbing for his bag. I opened his bag and pulled out a book, he screamed at me b/c he didn't want the book. I pulled out a snack, he screamed at me. So I just gave him the bag and let him figure out what he wanted. He pulled out a birthday candle and started singing happy birthday. Great, he's entertained! Yeah for less than 60 seconds, then he breaks the candle in half and throws it to the floor and starts screaming. By this time my husband made it back to the table and the hostess was coming with the balloons. J was screaming non stop and I was trying to look him in his eyes and call his name to get his attention. Eye contact is very rare when we are in public. He refuses to make eye contact with ANYONE, including us, in public. So there was no calming him down. My husband was getting up set, I'm saying "J, J, J, CALM DOWN. TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT." Mind you, I have to yell to be heard over his screaming. The balloons come and my husband could care less. The surprise didn't go as planned. He didn't even want to look at the balloons to see what they said, he was so frustrated. So I had to yell at my husand over the screaming "Those are for you. I picked them up and dropped them off here for you b/c we are very proud of you for quitting. Congratulations!" Then I grabbed the banshee and headed to the bathroom with him. When I can't gain control, I remove him from the situation. I swear the walk to the bathroom was a mile long!! We get to the bathroom and he has completely recovered from his fit. I sat him on the counter and I said "J, look at Mommy." He looked me right in the eyes. "Wipe your face." He wiped his face immediately. " You have to stop crying okay?" "Okaaay." "You have to be a big boy today okay?" "Bigboy, mmmm hmmmm." "So are you ready to be a big boy?" "Mmmmm hmmmm." "Okay well let's go." "Le gooo." Notice the complete turn around?? He is like a totally different child when I remove him from the restaurant. He can hear, he can respond, and he can look me in the eyes. I was so bummed b/c then I really knew that this was just not the best idea. And hurt b/c I really wanted to celebrate with my husband. The night didn't get better either, so we rushed through dinner and headed home.

I use my blog to vent, so readers will only read my honest feelings and thoughts here. I also use my blog as a journal, so I can come back to it when I need to know when J had a bad day, when certain behaviors surfaced, and what caused the problems that day. It's already helped me to put together a complete developmental outline for his appt in July, so I am glad I've done it and will continue to do it for his sake and mine. Every time I have a night like we had last night, I seem to fall into a funk. Sometimes wondering what did I do wrong as parent to have lost control of my child. Then I constantly remind myself, J is not always misbehaving. At home, he is fine. He listens, he responds, he behaves. In public he's a totally different child and I know there is an uderlying reason for that. I think the sadness comes from realizing that right now, being a mom is not going the way I expected it to, if that makes sense. I love my baby, unconditionally, and would never want to trade him for the world! He is my Pootie Bear. However, there are somethings that I looked forward to doing with my child once I became a mom, and I know every other mom looked forward to these things as well. Like playing WITH my child. He doesn't play with us. He will play around us, but not with us. I've tried on several occassions to play with his trains with him. I get on the floor, and I get one of the MILLIONS that he isn't playing with and I push it around and show him how much fun it is to play together. He comes over and takes the train away and continues to play on his own. And if I continue to grab one of the millions, he will get angry and throw every single train out of his room, that way neither of us can play with them. We've tried outdoor toys as well. Take his T-Ball set for example. I figure, okay this will be fun for me to show him how we can play together. I'll show him how to hit the ball and then I will run off to get his ball for him and put it back. Then maybe after a few times he'll want to mimic me and when I hit the ball he'll run to get mine. Well, I set it up and showed him to hit the ball. He actually clapped for me! YAY! Then he reached for the bat and hit the ball himself. I went to get the ball for him and he had a tantrum. He didn't want me to get it for him. I placed it back on the T and he kicked it over and walked away with the bat, and since then, the bat has been his telescope. And no one can look through his telescope with him. This happens with us and with other kids. He wants to play alone. As a mom, I want to play with him, not watch him play. The only time he will play with us is if it's rough housing. My husband likes that though ;) Another thing that I am missing as a mommy is the opportunity to cuddle him, if even for 5 little minutes. It does not happen and has not happened since he started walking at 10 months old. Everyone says, boys are not cuddlers. That could be true, but J resists it. Even when he's having a bad day and I just want to rock him to sleep, he will get fidgety, whine, and push his way out of my lap and climb in his bed and go straight to sleep. When he gets hurt, all he wants is a quick kiss, no hugs or cuddles needed, ever. I miss that as a mommy. I know alot of this could have to do with his sensory issues and possibly other underlying issues that we are waiting to have him tested for, but it's still hard for me. After a tough night like last night, I would have loved to end that by rocking him to sleep to help him to calm down from the overstimulation, but that's just not him. But I know today he will brighten my day with his sweet kisses, silly faces, big, brown eyes, and singing his favorite word of all "Mommmeeeeeeeee!" I love him and I will stay strong for him.