Friday, August 17, 2007

Reflections...

I know I posted today already but as I sit and watch Noggin with J, I have some thoughts that I want to blog about...

He knows me as his mommy...This is so surreal to me. Why would it be surreal to me, you ask, since I am indeed his mommy? Well b/c I know where he came from and attachment was always a concern of mine, as it is for many other adoptive parents. Sure I've had him since birth, but there is this talk about mom and baby creating a bond starting from inside the uterus. In the beginning I felt that J and I had to work extra hard at bonding since I didn't carry him for 9 months. I longed for the day that my baby would recognize me as his mommy. J has always been a sweet and friendly baby. He will go to any and everyone one, including strangers in the grocery store. This used to make me wonder, "Does he even know that I'm his mommy, or does he just love EVERYONE the way he loves me?" He never cries for me when I leave him with my mom. He doesn't care if I walk out of the room while he is with his pediatrician. He doesn't care if someone takes him from my arms and walks to another room with him. Deep inside, I've hoped for him to do those things just to make me feel secure. To make me feel that he knows I'm his mother. But this morning J crawled over to me and held his arms up to me. I picked him up and sat him on side of me and he stuck his thumb in his mouth and leaned against my arm and watched his video. He knows I'm his mommy. As we watched his puppet video I thought back on the things that he has done. Things that I failed to realize he's done to show that he knows who I am...When something scares him like a loud noise in the house, he looks at me for reassurance...When he falls and hits his little head, he looks at me to see whether he should laugh or cry...When he's feeling bashful, he sticks his face in my chest to blush...When he's not feeling well he clings to me...When he's hungry, he looks for me...When he choked on his spit up last week while sitting with his Nana, he reached for me with terror in his eyes...A mommy provides reassurance to her child, picks him up when he falls, allows him to be shy, helps him to feel better, and reacts quickly when things go wrong. J knows this. He knows I'm his mommy. He's be learning since day one and so have I. We learned from each other. I learned to be his mother and he has learned to trust me as his mother. This means so much to me.

Sure it would have been so much easier on my ego, if J was not so friendly and only wanted me. But my baby boy has never met a stranger, and this has made it easier for me as a person and as a mommy. If my hubby and I want a night out, we can leave him with a sitter and not worry about him crying for us. And when I return, he is happy to see me...his mommy! I thank God for blessing us with such a good natured, easy going child. I also thank Him for opening my eyes to the obvious. J is my son and I am his mommy. I can't wait for the day that he actually calls me Mommy!!

3 comments:

BlessedWithDaughters said...

I laughed and cried, alternately, reading this. I so understand what you have experienced. My Mackenna is exactly the same way. She'll sometimes go to people she doesn't even know. She waves and blows kisses to strangers in WalMart. She stays with family members and friends with no tears. I can so relate.

In my concern, I turned to our adoption assessor several months ago, who is also a trained family counselor and who happens to be a good friend of mine. She said, "This proves that Mackenna is secure. She has never experienced trauma, and she knows you will always return for her, will always be there when she needs you." That made me automatically feel better.

And now that she is just over a year old, she DOES occasionally turn away from some people and refuse to let them take her from me. She is taking a little longer to warm up to someone she doesn't know. And I secretly love it! *grin*


Hugs to you,
Min

Anita said...

*tears

What a revelation you've experienced... you are Jayden's mommie. Beautiful post.

JMD said...

David is the same way! He will gladly go to anyone who wants to hold him. I too have thought the same thing, does he know I'm his mommy? Then I think of all the hugs he gives me during the day and how he reaches for me when he's sad.

The day he says mommy your heart will melt and I know you will not be able to stop smiling. :)

Michelle